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Internet pornography. The George Foreman grill. Sodas with lemon flavoring included right in the can. Technology has blessed us with some wonderful things lately, but these feats—and, in fact, most of man’s achievements up until this point—pale in comparison with the modern miracle coming this fall: karaoke videogames.

Why would anyone want to karaoke at home when they could go out to a smoky, crowded bar and belt one out in front of a big group of total strangers? Exactly. Less embarrassment, less money, less time waiting in line for the bathroom (to say nothing of the general state of your average bar bathroom once you get there)—the benefits of do-it-yourself karaoke go on and on.

With that in mind, we sat down with five guys, four girls, and three bottles of vodka to put two very different karaoke titles, both shipping this November, to the test: Konami’s Karaoke Revolution for PS2 and Microsoft’s Xbox Music Mixer for...Xbox. We came, we sang, we embarrassed the hell out of ourselves, but all of our meticulous research did pay off in the end; what follows is an edited transcript of that fateful night. Which one of these marvels of modern engineering will rock your world? Tune in, turn on, and find out.

Xbox Music Mixer

Xbox • Microsoft • November 2003

Karaoke is just one facet of this multimedia tool kit; Music Mixer also lets you connect your Xbox to your PC to download MP3 music files and photos and then use them to make your own music videos. As for karaoke, it includes 15 songs out of the box. Or you can insert your own CDs and suppress the vocals to sing over them. But how well does it all work?

EGM: It comes with this microphone. Plug it into the memory-card slot on the controller.

Hamilton: It’s a pretty nice mic...has some heft to it.

[Everyone looks at the list of songs to choose from]

Freddy: Fourteen...15...that’s it? Fifteen measly songs?

J.J.: The selection is really, really lacking. No Elvis?

EGM: You can download more songs from Xbox Live, but Microsoft isn’t sure how many yet.

Freddy: It does have “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow.”

Hamilton: [Laughing] “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow”?

Freddy: Is that Alicia Keyes [“Fallin’”]? That’s a recent song.

Hamilton: What person under 50 will ever sing “Amazing Grace”?

Betty: Well, at some point, we’re going to have to sing it—there are only 15 songs.

Song 1:

“Love Shack” by the B-52’s

Donna: I like how the lyrics are colored pink [for the female vocals] and blue [for the male parts].

Freddy: It’s too bad they don’t have those Xbox Live voice masks on there. You could have girls do the guys’ parts and vice versa. Or robots do both parts.

Hamilton: Look, there’s a little console you can bring up while they sing to tweak all these little settings, like an equalizer.

Betty: What does that lever do?

Hamilton: I have no idea.

EGM: Next, let’s try a song from a regular CD and have Music Mixer suppress the vocal track.

Song 2: “The Number

Of the Beast” by Iron Maiden

J.J.: This is hard with no lyrics onscreen...I keep losing my place.

Hamilton: This [press release] says “Digital lyric-stripping technology...lets you remove the vocals from your favorite CDs,” but I can still hear the lyrics. They’re just a little quieter.

Freddy: It’s doing it a little bit. [Tries a few other songs on the CD] Sometimes it changes how the song itself sounds...wait, it works really good on that song.

J.J.: Yeah, it works great...I just don’t know the lyrics to this one.

Hamilton: You can look up the lyrics on the Net and print ’em out, but that’s kind of a pain.

Freddy: Well, when there are only those 15 s***ty-ass songs on there, you’re going to want to branch out.

The Verdict:

Hamilton: I like that you can use your own CDs.

Dee Dee: But unless you have the lyrics there for you, you really, really have to know the songs by heart.

Hamilton: It works pretty well on the songs that are included. I just wish it came with more songs.

Freddy: Music Maker doesn’t do much karaoke-wise that you can’t do just by playing a CD and singing along to it with a microphone. It’s not a game—you’re just singing along to your CDs.

Dee Dee: With the vocal tracks ripped out.

Freddy: Sort of.

J.J.: And there’s no Elvis.

Karaoke Revolution

PS2 • Konami • November 2003 — Unlike Music Mixer, Revolution is karaoke as a game: You are constantly judged and scored based on pitch and rhythm. Instead of a regular microphone, you can use any PS2 headset mic, sold separately (like the mic that comes with SOCOM). Revolution comes with 36 songs, but it cannot play regular CDs.

Donna: Oh, it has “Like a Virgin.”

Betty: “Bizarre Love Triangle,” “Waiting for Tonight” by J. Lo.

Freddy: This has a huge list of songs, and they’re all pretty good ones. Some funny ones, some ’80s, some Michael Jackson. They got a good crop of songs here for sure.

Hamilton: What, no “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow”?

Song 1: “Complicated” by Avril Lavigne

Freddy: OK, you’re 14 and you’re pissed off.

Hamilton: You totally hate the mall.

Betty: I like that you can see the crowd react.

Freddy: Yeah, they cheer when you do really well.

J.J.: It’s easier ’cause it helps you hit the right pitch.

Donna: You can choose your character and outfit and stuff. It’s more personalized. I wish I had this at home. I’d play for hours.

Song 2: “The End of The

World as We Know It” by R.E.M.

[Freddy tries to sing the song but fails. It ends abruptly.]

Everyone: Awwwww.

Donna: Aww, [your character] was crying. She was throwing up.

Dee Dee: It’s easier with songs where you have to hold words longer, ’cause you can [see your pitch onscreen] and adjust.

Roger: I have a secret technique for “The End of the World”....

[Roger sets up the game to play the same song again.]

Roger: [Sings] That’s great it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes and aeroplanes, basic-ally sing as far as you know...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA [Holds the note for about 30 seconds; everyone applauds.]

J.J.: Whoa, you got a seven combo! 33,000 points! Holy s***! You should write a strategy guide.

Betty: It doesn’t know if you’re singing the right words or not, just the right pitch.

The Verdict:

Freddy: Revolution is really fun. I like being graded.

J.J: Yeah, and you don’t have to care about your score.

Hamilton: That [SOCOM] headset is kinda flimsy, though. Not like Madonna’s.

Donna: But the game works well. When it tells you to sing lower, you really should be singing lower.

Hamilton: Yeah, and maybe later they’ll release an add-on disc with “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow.”

Desert Island Games:

Gary Coleman

Question: If you were stranded on a deserted island, which three games would you want with you? This month, we ship spunky former Diff’rent Strokes star Gary Coleman (“Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, scurvy?”) out to sea…. Marc Saltzman

The Mark of Kri (PS2)

“I can use this action game to pound out my frustrations at being deserted with only three games out of my collection of 77 at home.”

The Sims (PS2, Xbox, GC)

“I’ll need this game for when I get lonely and want some female companionship.”

Postal 2 (PC)

“I want this to remind myself of why I’m deserted in the first place—the 85 percent of those idiotic, self-absorbed, biped sheep called people!” Editor’s note: Coleman has a cameo in this controversial PC shooter, which Computer Gaming World called “a humorless romp through an infected colon.”